Concerts and temper tantrums

I love music and definitely appreciate classical music a great deal (tho' I'm not that knowledgeable). I just like to listen to it and "pretend" to play and understand it (I'm still kind of a kid in this way). My kids seems to feel the same way and instruments are fun for us.

I also like to give my kids chance to experience new things. This does extend, perhaps unfortunately, to the kind that cost more than we generally can afford, like concerts and plays and other artistic types of stuff. I do a fair job of figuring out ways to enjoy these things for free or minimal cost on occasion, but there's also only so much time and energy.

Yesterday, a rare opportunity came up that I was very very excited about. The local youth orchestra (with a very fine reputation) was putting on their midwinter concert. And our neighbors, whose son plays trombone in the orchestra, offered us two free tickets at the last minute. What a gift. I really wanted to go.

I was concerned with two tickets what to do. Papa Bear I knew would forgo the opportunity willingly and so it was a question of which child. I didn't know how I would handle them all wanting to go, so I thought it through and determined to ask them in a particular order. I was more than surprised when basically no one wanted to go with me. And I was at a loss, because it seemed to me that one of them not going was not an option. So Papa Bear and I discussed it and had several conversations with each of the kids, all in short order of course given the time. I'll share the conclusion of it all momentarily but I must first digress.

You see, my feelings were hurt, and I also thought I knew the kids would enjoy this tremendously and I wanted them to go along, all of them, but that just wasn't possible, nor do I expect this kind of opportunity to come along often. And there was tension and time pressure to boot. So I threw a hissy fit. It could have been louder and out of control and all that, which it wasn't, but nor was it pretty. I coerced, yelled a bit, judged, cajoled, laid guilt trips and so much more. It was not "acceptable" to not want to go. What kind of children wouldn't want to jump on this opportunity? To my pre-teen, "this isn't something you outgrow like wanting to be a fireman - this is grown-up stuff not kid stuff." They might never be able to do such a thing again. They don't know what they're missing. "Nobody wants to go with me!" I actually said that several times.

Now I don't want to minimize the genuine hurt - it is not sinful to be hurt, nor to want to give your kids opportunities, nor to require them to come along, nor to be very certain that they may not even know how much they will enjoy it because they are still young. But what I did was pretty ugly. I have had some clean up work to do. Some repenting, some requesting forgiveness, definitely some confession, as well as some figuring out what to do with the emotions themselves without making things worse. I had the power to really destroy the afternoon and almost did.

By the end of it all, two of the kids were honestly on the fence, and were simply struggling with a desire to relax at home. I really wanted Andante to come with me as he'd never seen anything like this and I was pretty sure he'd love it. And indeed, that is who came along, and he did indeed love it - all two and a half hours of it. He was all but on the edge of his seat for the majority of the performance, and we had a marvelous time together. We talked instruments, music, how to behave, getting a snack during intermission, who he knew who was in the audience, who he knew who was playing, and so much more. He absolutely loved it, as did I, and we enjoyed discussing it before and during and after and it could not have gone better. I am so thankful that the experience was so rich. It was a truly lovely concert, and while longer than expected, the time passed pretty quickly. I am so thankful for the special time we had together and for the gift from our neighbors.

But mostly I am thankful that my temper tantrum didn't ruin it for us all. God is good and I love how he works through these situations to show me my need for a savior because of my sin, and I love how he extends grace to me though I don't deserve it. We enjoyed the music because he has given us a love for how we can hear and see him through it all. After all, my kids have been given "musical" names here (the boys anyway) and part of our discussion was how their very personalities - so different - and our emotions and so much more can be expressed in music. Andante's name truly fits him, as does Vivace's. The girls are kind of inbetween them . ... . so we went with character traits, but I like Pianoforte for my petite child with the strong personality, and I like Allegro for my even-keeled eldest. And I enjoy how our God can be worshiped, described, and loved through music, and how each orchestral instrument gives such different sound, yet together - like the body - can work for such richness. All a reflection of Him, and all thoroughly on display for my dear son yesterday. He knows it, and he and I completely enjoyed that knowledge together. And I had such a special time with my dear boy. So very very thankful today for that.

BTW Here is a picture of Andante playing the cello at his own concert a few days earlier. It was his first time and he did extremely well, especially dealing with the jitters, which he had in full measure.

 

The Little Things

We plod along here in our relatively uneventful lives, and sometimes we wonder that we get things done at all with all the interruptions and unexpected tasks, delays and the like. Yesterday, I called to follow up on something relating to my daughter's diabetes supplies and that ended up taking about an hour rather than five minutes. I broke a "treasure" one of the kids had made while replacing the sheets on one of the kids' beds. I discovered that to accomplish another task I needed several questions answered and no one was around to answer them, so a half hour block of time ended up fruitless. These are just a sampling, and I know I'm not alone. This happens to all of us, sometimes every day, multiple times. And for me, I know that it takes the wind right out of my sails (which personally were anything but full to begin with).

Where do we go with that? I'm still working on that one. But I think it begins for me by taking a step back and remembering both that God has ordained my steps and that my worth and identity and success don't come from these things but from him. And this relates to this morning....

This morning, talking with her father, my oldest made it sound like I signed her up for something she didn't want to do tomorrow morning. (Fact check - I asked her if she wanted to with no expectations and she was thrilled, ecstatic, bouncing with enthusiasm...) I took offense at her tone and words w/her dad. It made me lose track of what I was doing which I needed to do (and quickly) before they all left, and again got me off on a bad foot. It's always the little things, isn't it?

Upon review, I wasn't concerned about truth so much (though that is part of it), but I was mostly concerned with what her father thought about me; that I would willy nilly sign her up for stuff w/o consulting her etc. First of all, I don't habitually behave that way; I know she needs "time off" and I want to honor her interests and energy level whenever possible. It's a tough balance, and I try awfully hard. Second, I do reserve the right to sign her up for things w/o consulting her b/c I'm her mom, and sometimes doing so is wise and good. Honestly, that's pretty rare, but I do reserve the right just the same. But most importantly, I discovered that I value her speaking accurately about me to others, especially to someone who's opinion of me matters - like her father. Ouch. Do I trust god to take care of me? Do I trust her father to come to me if he has questions? To think the best of me, and/or realize that the source is one who is bound to be tainted and often "against" me for her own sinful even if not deliberate reasons at this age? Do I believe that I can kindly approach her and tell her how what she said hurt me?

It's the little things - and there are tons of them - that "get" me. I really failed this morning. And I learned a lot about myself too. Sigh. So frankly, I'm again not getting much done this morning. I lack traction, wind in my sails, you name it. But it's going to be ok. I will learn - if it takes me forever - to manage these "little things" better, because it's important to do so. I don't mean controlling the things I can't; I mean learning to depend on God for the things I need. The more I can trust him with my heart and my well-being, the less these little things can "do" to me.

Vacuuming

My house is very easy to vacuum when the boxes are up in the attic, the toys and suitcases put away, the clothes laundered, and the beds made. Wow. It's not remotely spotless (we still live here) but it hasn't been this "tidy" in months.

This weekend we put away the suitcases (in periodic use since September so largely not "put away" since then), caught up with the laundry (this actually happens a lot - but then I get behind again - a cycle that repeats every couple days!), finished putting away Christmas decor 'til next year, cleaned up the mess in the basement (between the lice, the trip to Switzerland and the Christmas gift fest, the floor has been tough to find for months), sorted several boxes of books etc which needed to be gone through, assembled stuff to be given away that's been lying around - some actual gifts, some donations. What a difference. It feels good. There are still two large boxes to be mailed, four or five small packages to be aseembled and mailed, two new loads of laundry to be dealt with, a couple boxes to drop off at the thrift shop, and lots of paperwork screaming for attention (haven't touched that since sometime last week), but it feels like such a relatively small pile of clutter, with so much put away... Wow. I'm kind of in shock. I did vacuum while I had chance and will keep chipping away at the piles. And I'm going to enjoy the feeling of "tidyness" while it lasts.

NB As for the cold, the kids survived their walks to school, the car started fine, and we're tired but happy and warm. The furnace is working too (no small thing in temps of -21.5 as it was this am and up to -0.9 and now back to -5.3). Not taking any of this for granted!

Cold

It's cold today - don't think it got above zero by much but mostly the wind chill kept it very chilly. Constance still played outside (she loves to play - it's hard to keep her indoors when the sun is out) but the rest of us holed up and watched football (still in progress) and made puzzles and the like. The cold won't break until Tuesday. Tomorrow is the really bad one though and makes today look like nothing. They're predicting 20 below in the morning for the walk to school and with the wind chill, it'll be more like 30 below. At the moment it's already dropping and we're at -6. Here's to a day for hot tea and cocoa and something warm and toasty in the oven for dinner when we get home from dance and chess.

For my friends - Psalm 73 (sort of)

I offer my dear friends Reyna and Caroline this “version” of Psalm 73 as an encouragement. (Slightly altered in a several places – please forgive the potential heresy, and also please note for context that the Bible says we’re all wicked in god’s eyes, so this is not an indictment on our friends or otherwise who are clueless about diabetes – salvation is available to all, Rom 5:8 WHILE we were yet sinners, Christ died for us . . . Acts 16:31 Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you shall be saved…)

[Most of the text of the Psalm I did leave well enough alone… ]

This is the heart I often have and struggle with before the Lord. Honestly, it’s not a pretty thing how I feel – and when I’m honest, I often feel alone, discouraged, as though everyone and everything is against me, even my friends and family. This is not true but it feels it. I have to counter it with the truths of Scripture, and I find such comfort and hope in knowing my dear Father in heaven. There is no one Bible verse that says it all, but there are so many passages, so many themes, that work together in my heart to encourage me. This is but a “taste” but hopefully a helpful one. He sometimes feels far away, but Psalm 139 speaks of God’s closeness, and his knowledge and his purposeful creation of me and of each of my kids (and you!). Job speaks of the need to depend on Him, even when we don’t understand (esp. 1:20-21 – Blessed be the name of the Lord!). James speaks of trials bringing fruit (1:2 esp) as do many others.

But still, I struggle and this Psalm is one of those which I pray and speak out and see myself in from beginning to end and come back to every single time. So here I am, and I will pray it for you as well.

Psalm 73 – for the most part

1 Surely God is good to us moms, to those who wish to be pure in heart.
2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold again.
3 For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked, of those who defy you.
4 They have no struggles;their bodies are healthy and strong. They aren’t even grateful for it.
5 They think they are free from common human burdens; they are not plagued by human ills, and certainly not diabetes.
6 Therefore pride is their necklace; they clothe themselves with violence, ignorance and superiority.
7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity; their evil imaginations have no limits.
8 They scoff, and speak with malice; with arrogance they threaten oppression and thwart our efforts to care for our kids.
9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven, and their tongues take possession of the earth. They claim to know our kids needs better than we do.
10 Therefore their people turn to them and drink up waters in abundance.
11 They say, “How would God know? Does the Most High know anything?”
12 This is what the wicked are like— always free of care, they go on amassing wealth and a good reputation in the world.
13 Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure and have washed my hands in innocence. My best efforts are worth nothing.
14 All day long I have been afflicted, and every morning brings new punishments.
15 If I had spoken out like that, I would have betrayed your children.
16 When I tried to understand all this, it troubled me deeply
17 till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny.
18 Surely you place them on slippery ground; you cast them down to ruin.
19 How suddenly are they destroyed, completely swept away by terrors!
20 They are like a dream when one awakes; when you arise, Lord, you will despise them as fantasies.
21 When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
27 Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

O Tannenbaum

I removed the garland from the Christmas tree today and my beloved removed the lights and we said good bye to the tree for another year. Most of the boxes are packed and put away. Tomorrow we'll work on the rest and putting the furniture back. With the tree gone, it's officially "over". Next appearance: 320 days give or take a few.

New Year News

We have none! I guess that's the good news. The new year is off to a good start - no emergencies or unexpected events and distractions. We began it going back and forth between extended families here visiting. It was great to spend time with them all, open more Christmas presents, play games, eat, talk, and even watch football all together. There was some swimming in there too at the hotel pool, and some snow, and some rain, and since then we got some more snow, and so on and so forth. Yes, I do like snow. Anyway, school is back in session and there has been plenty to keep us busy; that said we do finally seem to be getting into a groove of sorts. We're tired but happy. The Christmas decor is finally coming down and the music put away and the gifts have found new homes. The Patriots are done for the season. And so it's onto the mid-winter events and activities and praying for snow days (none so far) so we can get out and enjoy the white stuff without homework and activities competing for our attention!