Time to say good bye

Today we said goodbye to our faithful steed "Black Beauty" as my mother affectionately called our wagon. She was a faithful machine these past seven years, but salt and wetness in the winters here in this fair state does a job on the steel frame of most cars, and she was not immune. We knew she wouldn't pass inspection and her last day to be legal is tomorrow, so it was time to let her go, and long anticipated. Thankfully, we got to use her and preserve the new van through the winter.

Last night, Constance cried and told us we couldn't do such a thing because she liked the black car.... We seriously didn't know what to make of that. Fortunately she was ready to accept reality this morning. Dante and Constance gave her big hugs and even a kiss on their way out to school this morning. The weigh in at the scrap yard was simple: she topped 3000 pounds and we walked away with some money in our pockets (granted, not a lot but still something). Kind of fun.

Good-bye old friend!

Uno!

I just enjoyed a terrific - and dare I say speedy - game of UNO! with Vivace. It took all of 3 minutes start to finish and we both enjoyed the time together. It's a win/win situation. I get the fun of saying "yes" to a game, he doesn't have to hear "No" or "I'm sorry, I don't have time right now.", we both enjoy the time together, and we're not making commitments we can't keep. I can find time for this! It was really fun game too - he made the first move and was down to one card when I finally got a turn. (He forgot to say uno!) It stayed like that for a couple moves until I was able to get him back by making him draw a half-dozen cards and shortly thereafter I won. Just delightful time together. I love my kids and I love spending time with them!

294 Days Until Christmas

I really wanted to say something but am at a loss for words, so I thought maybe this would at least let anyone paying attention know we're still here. Along the newsy front, my brother-in-law got engaged last weekend (yay!), we've had a wonderful school vacation, celebrated my beloved's birthday, enjoyed visits from both sets of parents, enjoyed time with friends, made tons of puzzles, played many games, and much more - but I can't find anything to say. So, Happy shopping.

Fragmented Lives

Those of you who know me, know that I struggle w/how to balance every thing, every one, every whatever I come across. I so want "one life" - an unfragmented life, where all that I do is "unified" whatever I mean by that. I don't want to have my "home", my "church", my "school", my "play", etc. all be so separate. How many "me's" are there? I'm still me in all of the places I go, and in all of the things I do, and while I know different contexts bring out different aspects, perspectives, strengths and weaknesses, I hate the fragmentation that I don't believe is necessarily a part of that. But I don't always know how to act, progress, unify, defragment, etc.

I find (in a related way) the concept of homeschooling my kids very appealing. We've always been homeschoolers at heart, probably because of this whole vs. fragmented life mentality in my case. While our kids are in the school system, we are engaged with them and with the schools, we know at least to some degree what goes on at each level and in each classroom, and we are participants in our community. We more or less "homeschool" our public school children, interacting with them and what they're learning and thinking and doing pretty much all the time, as we go about our lives. Granted with four kids, we miss a lot, but on the whole, we're in this together.

But I grieve the time they're not at home, where we're not part of the discovery, the learning, the exploring, and both not directing it nor watching them run with it. For this I long for the day when truly homeschooling may happen (vs. sending them off to another place for 7-8 hours a day). Some of you may think I'm crazy, but I like the way this mom put it if you want to read why she homeschools. I think I would do it for much the same reasons. It would be challenging, but boy would it be fun. And I do indeed think that it would lead to a more whole life than that which we currently lead.

John Jay

As a child, I lived for a number of years near a high school named after "some famous guy" named John Jay. Honestly, I never knew anything about "John Jay" nor did I really care at the time. That said, years later, it must be said that I do like history and learning about famous people and so an article I saw earlier today in a magazine I was reading caught my eye. "John Jay: An American Wilberforce?"

Cool. I like Wilberforce and have read about him. This John Jay guy must be interesting too!

So I read the article. Very nice. I have decided I'd like to learn more about this Mr. John Jay, apparently a contemporary of Wilberforce, and a Chief Justice of the US in its infancy.

Here is a quote of his, as found in the article with some context. I loved it particularly because it reiterates a lesson I'm currently learning - that is to trust my sovereign God to take care of His business. My job is to follow His lead - He'll accomplish what He has set out to do.

"In 1785, while serving as the Secretary of Foreign Affairs for the Confederation Congress, Jay lobbied in New York State for gradual abolition of slavery, but a bill passed by both the Assembly and Senate was vetoed. To console himself, he wrote: '[all that wise and good men can do is] to persevere indoing their duty to their country and leave the consequences to him who made men only; neither elated by success, however great, nor discouraged by disappointments however frequent or mortifying.'"

Concerts and temper tantrums

I love music and definitely appreciate classical music a great deal (tho' I'm not that knowledgeable). I just like to listen to it and "pretend" to play and understand it (I'm still kind of a kid in this way). My kids seems to feel the same way and instruments are fun for us.

I also like to give my kids chance to experience new things. This does extend, perhaps unfortunately, to the kind that cost more than we generally can afford, like concerts and plays and other artistic types of stuff. I do a fair job of figuring out ways to enjoy these things for free or minimal cost on occasion, but there's also only so much time and energy.

Yesterday, a rare opportunity came up that I was very very excited about. The local youth orchestra (with a very fine reputation) was putting on their midwinter concert. And our neighbors, whose son plays trombone in the orchestra, offered us two free tickets at the last minute. What a gift. I really wanted to go.

I was concerned with two tickets what to do. Papa Bear I knew would forgo the opportunity willingly and so it was a question of which child. I didn't know how I would handle them all wanting to go, so I thought it through and determined to ask them in a particular order. I was more than surprised when basically no one wanted to go with me. And I was at a loss, because it seemed to me that one of them not going was not an option. So Papa Bear and I discussed it and had several conversations with each of the kids, all in short order of course given the time. I'll share the conclusion of it all momentarily but I must first digress.

You see, my feelings were hurt, and I also thought I knew the kids would enjoy this tremendously and I wanted them to go along, all of them, but that just wasn't possible, nor do I expect this kind of opportunity to come along often. And there was tension and time pressure to boot. So I threw a hissy fit. It could have been louder and out of control and all that, which it wasn't, but nor was it pretty. I coerced, yelled a bit, judged, cajoled, laid guilt trips and so much more. It was not "acceptable" to not want to go. What kind of children wouldn't want to jump on this opportunity? To my pre-teen, "this isn't something you outgrow like wanting to be a fireman - this is grown-up stuff not kid stuff." They might never be able to do such a thing again. They don't know what they're missing. "Nobody wants to go with me!" I actually said that several times.

Now I don't want to minimize the genuine hurt - it is not sinful to be hurt, nor to want to give your kids opportunities, nor to require them to come along, nor to be very certain that they may not even know how much they will enjoy it because they are still young. But what I did was pretty ugly. I have had some clean up work to do. Some repenting, some requesting forgiveness, definitely some confession, as well as some figuring out what to do with the emotions themselves without making things worse. I had the power to really destroy the afternoon and almost did.

By the end of it all, two of the kids were honestly on the fence, and were simply struggling with a desire to relax at home. I really wanted Andante to come with me as he'd never seen anything like this and I was pretty sure he'd love it. And indeed, that is who came along, and he did indeed love it - all two and a half hours of it. He was all but on the edge of his seat for the majority of the performance, and we had a marvelous time together. We talked instruments, music, how to behave, getting a snack during intermission, who he knew who was in the audience, who he knew who was playing, and so much more. He absolutely loved it, as did I, and we enjoyed discussing it before and during and after and it could not have gone better. I am so thankful that the experience was so rich. It was a truly lovely concert, and while longer than expected, the time passed pretty quickly. I am so thankful for the special time we had together and for the gift from our neighbors.

But mostly I am thankful that my temper tantrum didn't ruin it for us all. God is good and I love how he works through these situations to show me my need for a savior because of my sin, and I love how he extends grace to me though I don't deserve it. We enjoyed the music because he has given us a love for how we can hear and see him through it all. After all, my kids have been given "musical" names here (the boys anyway) and part of our discussion was how their very personalities - so different - and our emotions and so much more can be expressed in music. Andante's name truly fits him, as does Vivace's. The girls are kind of inbetween them . ... . so we went with character traits, but I like Pianoforte for my petite child with the strong personality, and I like Allegro for my even-keeled eldest. And I enjoy how our God can be worshiped, described, and loved through music, and how each orchestral instrument gives such different sound, yet together - like the body - can work for such richness. All a reflection of Him, and all thoroughly on display for my dear son yesterday. He knows it, and he and I completely enjoyed that knowledge together. And I had such a special time with my dear boy. So very very thankful today for that.

BTW Here is a picture of Andante playing the cello at his own concert a few days earlier. It was his first time and he did extremely well, especially dealing with the jitters, which he had in full measure.

 

The Little Things

We plod along here in our relatively uneventful lives, and sometimes we wonder that we get things done at all with all the interruptions and unexpected tasks, delays and the like. Yesterday, I called to follow up on something relating to my daughter's diabetes supplies and that ended up taking about an hour rather than five minutes. I broke a "treasure" one of the kids had made while replacing the sheets on one of the kids' beds. I discovered that to accomplish another task I needed several questions answered and no one was around to answer them, so a half hour block of time ended up fruitless. These are just a sampling, and I know I'm not alone. This happens to all of us, sometimes every day, multiple times. And for me, I know that it takes the wind right out of my sails (which personally were anything but full to begin with).

Where do we go with that? I'm still working on that one. But I think it begins for me by taking a step back and remembering both that God has ordained my steps and that my worth and identity and success don't come from these things but from him. And this relates to this morning....

This morning, talking with her father, my oldest made it sound like I signed her up for something she didn't want to do tomorrow morning. (Fact check - I asked her if she wanted to with no expectations and she was thrilled, ecstatic, bouncing with enthusiasm...) I took offense at her tone and words w/her dad. It made me lose track of what I was doing which I needed to do (and quickly) before they all left, and again got me off on a bad foot. It's always the little things, isn't it?

Upon review, I wasn't concerned about truth so much (though that is part of it), but I was mostly concerned with what her father thought about me; that I would willy nilly sign her up for stuff w/o consulting her etc. First of all, I don't habitually behave that way; I know she needs "time off" and I want to honor her interests and energy level whenever possible. It's a tough balance, and I try awfully hard. Second, I do reserve the right to sign her up for things w/o consulting her b/c I'm her mom, and sometimes doing so is wise and good. Honestly, that's pretty rare, but I do reserve the right just the same. But most importantly, I discovered that I value her speaking accurately about me to others, especially to someone who's opinion of me matters - like her father. Ouch. Do I trust god to take care of me? Do I trust her father to come to me if he has questions? To think the best of me, and/or realize that the source is one who is bound to be tainted and often "against" me for her own sinful even if not deliberate reasons at this age? Do I believe that I can kindly approach her and tell her how what she said hurt me?

It's the little things - and there are tons of them - that "get" me. I really failed this morning. And I learned a lot about myself too. Sigh. So frankly, I'm again not getting much done this morning. I lack traction, wind in my sails, you name it. But it's going to be ok. I will learn - if it takes me forever - to manage these "little things" better, because it's important to do so. I don't mean controlling the things I can't; I mean learning to depend on God for the things I need. The more I can trust him with my heart and my well-being, the less these little things can "do" to me.